⚖️ Inbox - Steven Grant's Communicator

[de_nile]

This communicator belongs to Steven Grant! :)

If you need to contact someone that isn't Steven Grant, maybe you're looking for Marc Spector's dead drop...

Put date and format in the header, please!
Marc tags from reflectedlight
Steven tags from de_nile

Comments

[bythelight]

[ It takes Anduin a minute to notice. He's studying the letter, the barely legible messy notes, and thoughtfully walking around the room. ]

It's definitely an informative letter. Has your room changed at all, in the time you've been here?

[ He's thinking about bathrooms, about kitchens, as he walks around. His eyes pause on the glass tank as he walks by it, hesitating, before he looks up at Steven curiously. ]

[de_nile]

I think...

Things keep appearing and disappearing.

[The postcards on Steven's fish tank all read like the Admiral letter.

They're sent from Steven's retired, senior citizen mother. She emphasizes she's having a good time, that she's healthy and well, that she loves him. She apologizes a lot for always missing his calls but assures him he should keep leaving messages for her because she listens to all of them.

"You're going to be fine."

"Don't worry so much."

The dates indicate that this went on for months before Steven came to the ship.]

I think... I had a stove. Didn't I? And sometimes I'll find things that aren't mine, but they're always gone after, so maybe I imagined it.

[Next to the fish tank is a long gouge in the wood of the floor, where it's been scratched over and over and over by heavy furniture being moved back and forth. The rug flipped up near it would normally cover it up.]

Really, I'm not... not a very serious person. Would lose my head if it wasn't screwed on. It doesn't have to mean anything's wrong.

I just.

Made a mistake that's stupider than normal. Got tossed out. Should have seen that coming, maybe.

[bythelight]

[ Mmmm. Anduin frowns in thought, carefully refolding the letter. ]

I'm not certain who wrote this.

[ That much is true. He isn't 100% certain. He has his suspicions but.... the information he has seems all over the place. The writing matches the postcards but...

Would Steven have written himself postcards as well, from someone else?

Anduin doesn't know enough about mental health to understand exactly what is going on, but he does know enough not to take what Steven says at face value. He turns back to Steven. ]

But I do think what the Admiral told me is correct, Steven. I don't think he wrote you this letter, and I don't think you did anything here to be demoted. I don't believe you arrived as a Warden at all.

[de_nile]

Don't be ridiculous. How else would I have gotten here at all? He's made a mistake, and I am starting not to care.

I don't need his permission to make sure we don't all die.

[Very firm. He holds his hand out for the letter.]

I'll have that back, please.

[bythelight]

Don't you, Steven?

[ Said in a quiet, soft tone that has an underlying warning to it. ]

This letter sounds nothing like the way the Admiral speaks. No other Warden received a letter, that I am aware. I spoke to the Admiral personally. You appear to have never seen any discussions on Warden-only filters. This room does not contain any of the amenities that Wardens usually have. You have never been temporarily paired to an inmate. When was the last time you had your Warden item? Could you name someone here who has seen you with it?

[de_nile]

[And here's why Steven is an inmate.

When he wants it bad enough, the truth doesnt matter.]

Please don't do this, [he says. He searches Anduin's face for some way out. Some way this is a joke, or that he can beg out of it.]

Please don't... take this away. Please don't.

Nobody's ever wanted me somewhere before.

[bythelight]

Steven. I cannot be taking something away if you did not have it to begin with. You are still here because the Admiral chose you to be here, he just chose you to come and strive for a second chance. You should focus on that. On becoming the person you wanted to be. The person who could graduate, be a Warden here, and help others. I believe you can do that. First, however, you need to work on yourself.

[ Reality is an unfortunate thing that way. ]

[de_nile]

[Steven just grips the edge of the desk, puts his hand over his eyes and starts crying.

It's been too much of a week.

He's holding his breath to hide the noise, but it isn't really working.]

[bythelight]

[ Anduin watches quietly, not moving closer for the moment. It's always hard to tell who wants comfort and who does not. ]

Plenty of people who start as Inmates become Wardens. My last Inmate became one.

[de_nile]

I'm not a bad person, I haven't done anything. I don't even remember when I died! This can't be right. This can't be -

I'm supposed to matter because I can help, not matter because I need correcting.

[bythelight]

Do you believe every inmate here is a bad person?

[ Anduin doesn't. Some are good people who made bad choices. ]

[de_nile]

I don't know if bad people exist. But the Admiral does. Why doesn't - why didn't he think I was good enough?

[He teeters back towards denial, visibly. Takes his hand down.]

No. No, no no. You're wrong, this is all wrong. I know I'm trying my best. The Admiral's wrong, everyone's wrong. I know who the - [Steven shoves a shoebox full of papers off of the desk and out of the way.] fuck I am. I don't care what happened. I don't care.

Go away. I don't have time for this, I've got to finish the project. Help save everyone or - or go away.

[bythelight]

[ Ah, yes. The mature display of someone definitely not caring and definitely not in need of growth. ]

It sounds to me like you care a great deal. We only tend to find things we care about upsetting, I my experience.

[de_nile]

Sorry, was the crying not enough?

Yes. I am very upset! I've only been building my entire identity around this, but thanks so much for letting me know I care!

[bythelight]

[ Placidly: ]

You told me before that you didn't care.

[de_nile]

Are you serious?

Figurative language. Mate. I am trying. To keep it held together, so that I can finish this thing.

[He gestures to the lists again.]

I am not alright. I do care, I am doing very bad, and I am devastated and shocked and upset and I don't want to be explaining this, I want to be thinking about something else!

Leave me alone, please!

[bythelight]

[ Mmm. Holding it together and working on his project feels like avoiding the truth. Anduin isn't convinced Steven is in an era of acceptance here.

He shifts to offer Steven back his tablet and letter. ]

Very well. You can find me if you have any questions.

[de_nile]

[Steven throws his hands out.]

I have lots of questions!

Who wrote the bloody letter? Why??

[bythelight]

[ Anduin hesitates, then sets down the tablet and letter on the edge of Steven's desk instead. ]

I'm not certain.

[ He still isn't! He has... fears, more than anything. But he doesn't know enough about Steven right now. ]

I think we'd have to look into it, and I do think that's important.

[ It's a valid concern! We don't dismiss people's valid concerns on this barge.

(Usually). ]

[de_nile]

It has the same handwriting as my mum!

I noticed that part, I thought it was magic! If it's not magic that's insanely creepy!

[bythelight]

I noticed that too.

[ He's not going to pretend he didn't. ]

It could be some form of magic, mimicking the handwriting, but... I am not certain why at this point.

[de_nile]

[Steven stops, puts his face in his hands.]

What do you know? Anything? Or is it just - you had to come make sure I understood I'm not as good as any of you, and the rest doesn't matter?

[bythelight]

[ Far from the worst dig he's heard. He stays calm, doesn't rise to the bait. ]

I know that you are an Inmate, and that means the Admiral believes you can use the chance you have here. I know that you have an earnest desire to help people, and I think you can, but I also think you need to help yourself. We do better work when we allow ourselves to heal. I know that if you work with a Warden with the same level of commitment you have displayed working with the barge, you will be a Warden yourself in no time.

[de_nile]

I don't even know what I need to heal from! I don't know what I did wrong!

[His voice cracks.

There's the direct trigger that's having pressure put on it: I don't know what I did wrong.]

[bythelight]

[ It's a common problem, Anduin has noticed, among inmates. They aren't even certain what supposed crimes have condemned them. Sometimes even with a file, there are actions that feel obvious and yet more that is hidden between the lines.

Anduin frowns in sympathy, nods as Steven struggles with the concept. Part of him is still not quite... certain what us happening. Is he just deep in denial? Is this an act? He can only take it in good faith and hope for the best. ]

Once you have found a permanent Warden, they will have your file. You will be able to discuss it with them.

[ That might help, right? ]